Feeling beyond control
Passing envy and jealousy may serve to teach us where we are unhealthily attached, if we are generally well balanced and loving. We can then work on Buddhist detachment from the object or subject of our attachment or counsel on the immediate sensations, to weed out the roots of the held discomfort, discharge past distress and reach freedom and balance once again.
Chronic envy or jealousy ruins people's lives both as individuals and nations. It is not a proof of love, as it is often painted but an indicator of deep atavistic fears. Serious envy causes people to damage those whom they hate for having more than them or power over their emotional field. Seriously painful jealousy provokes murder and physical or emotional violence in very large numbers of the human race. Envy provokes theft of land, people, self respect, countries and resources.
I think jealousy and envy are often confused. Envy is fear of the power of others over our emotions and anger at feeling deprived. It is rooted in the power the Mother has over feeding an infant. Babies " biting the breast that feeds them " is about the expression of power in a situation where the baby feels powerless to control when or what it is fed and how often they are cuddled.. If a baby is left to cry too long when it wants to suck the mother's nipple it learns to fear the power of the nurturer over their feelings and their food intake. They are afraid of the feelings of hunger and loneliness. They fight back in the only way they have available.
Babies fed on demand tend not to experience overwhelming fury at the abandonment experienced by a baby fed to a strict feeding schedule. " Good enough " mothering prevents this fear of emotional and physical starvation being a chronic pattern later in life. Occasional bursts of quiet, localised envy are not the same as the overwhelming state of fury often experienced by those suffering pre-verbal envy. In a "Crime Passionelle" if it is your lover you would murder it is envy of their power to inflict hurt which creates the dynamo. You would rather do without them than give them the chance to hurt you again, since your happiness is attached to their behaviour. They may even provoke fury in you if they look at another person, whether or not there is any sexual intent on their part. Your self-worth is attached to their gaze.
Jealousy is fear of loss of the loved person or thing, blamed on The Other Person. It is developed at a later stage if the dynamic between the baby and other subjects of the Mother's love is not handled well. If another child or the father seem to be allowed to steal the Mother's attention and love, chronic jealousy is seeded in the child. If it is jealousy An Affair provokes, then it is the Other Person you would murder. It is similar to the baby wishing the father or other siblings were dead because they are deprived of the mother's complete attention. This too can be prevented by " good enough parenting" and is the reason it is advised babies are best born three years apart in a pair bond relationship because the father can give attention to the 3 year old at this natural stage of separation from the physical dependence on the mother and the mother is free to give the new born all her attention when the sibling is with the father.The new baby is then well nurtured and the sibling given cuddles by the other parent and possibly grandparents when they are feeling fearful, lost or sad. Balance is developed and more people are included in the Circle of Love, which cannot be experienced by a child who feels displaced when the father hugs the mother because they are abandoned in the cot or left to cry for cuddles. Such emotions being restimulated in an adult can be totally overwhelming.
If both lover and The Other are murdered, then it is both envy and jealousy working in tandem which drive the lover to this ultimate madness. It is a crime for which the French have had a special category, allowing the perpetrator to go free, recognising they are temporarily mad, not in control of themselves and therefore not responsible for their actions. I always found this a bit difficult to swallow since I do not seem to suffer such fury as would fuel a murder. I would rather my lover were enjoying themselves and alive. I am fortunate enough to have had “ good enough parenting “ when very young.
Jealousy is a pit of the stomach feeling which can cause actual sickness. The person overwhelmed ceases to think rationally and there actually need be no real external cause, just their belief that there is a problem, since the problem existed when they were 2-3 years old and is constantly present when " other people " are around. They are no longer open to reason once the pattern kicks in. They cannot be consoled by the person they are accusing because they have entered a state of trustless-ness.
Spotting the pattern immediately it begins to rear its head is important, if you are a sufferer, since being overwhelmed by irrational responses is never a joy and the other people in one's life suffer deeply from being accused of motives they do not actually hold and of behavioural transgressions which make no sense to them. Even if there is actual " cause for jealousy " because there is some form of betrayal of trust, “ justifiable anger “ does not provoke feelings which cause murdererous thoughts and actions.
Love is the opposite of Jealousy and Envy. Working to Love Oneself is the ONLY cure. Shame can get in the way of healing here.
Both envy and jealousy are a sickness encouraged by Eastenders reality level TV and bad romantic fiction or crime novels. They are a deep poison for which both the individual and the mass antidote really needs to be found, especially in a culture based in materialism which actively encourages these warped emotions to control the population.
May love overwhelm us all and petty fears and deep self loathing become feelings of the past. Being the object of another person's envy or jealousy is only marginally less of a torture than being the person who lives in a state of fear so deep everyone other than their partner is The Enemy. Often locking the partner or child up in a pair bond seems the only way to feel safe to a jealous lover or an over possessive parent. They discourage friendships with anyone other than themselves. They rarely throw a party because they fear losing their partner and seeing them laughing with another person can feel too painful to endure.
All we need is LOVE.. Our honesty is ever a joy.
Love and blessings dear ones.